A little bit of everything.

I know my posts are sporadic and I've been MIA for like a week and a half but I have good reason. That reason is a little bit of everything.

Bubba's allergist appointment was supposed to be tomorrow morning. I've been equal parts exhilarated and apprehensive. While I want to know every last thing he's allergic to, I also know that the procedure is painful and would be confusing and traumatic for him. I reasoned that it's better to do it while he's too young to remember, and that was that. Bubba also had his 18 month check up on Monday (can you believe he's so big?) where I was informed that Medicaid was saying he is no longer covered. I assured them he was, and we went on our merry way. Then I got home and called Medicaid and yep, they terminated his coverage. So I spent the week trying to get it sorted out and get him reinstated so he could have his appointment, but I was told today by a person in their office to just cancel the appointment. So I had to. Seriously, cannot wait for my insurance to kick in. I finally got that sorted out so it's not causing me stress any more.

Did I mention that I'm moving? Yeah, I get my keys on Monday so I'm just feeling very overwhelmed by everything that I need to pack and buy and make and it's making me crazy. Plus I'm terrified that I can't actually do it. That after all my careful budgeting and planning, it won't be enough.

Oh and I think I have bronchitis.

Other than that, everything has been peachy. Well, except my depression coming back full swing. See, I was finally able to get my anxiety under some semblance of control and have been able to talk myself out of anxiety attacks. Since that was out of the way, my depression decided to pop in and say hello. At this point I can barely get out of bed, I'm convinced that all my friends don't want to be my friends anymore (not helped by no one responding to my texts) and therefore have cut everyone off. All I want to do, all the time, is cry. I don't want to get out of bed or shower or eat or drink or speak or anything. Bubba keeps me going. I have to be strong for him. So I get out of bed every morning. I force myself to eat and to shower and to laugh and smile and talk. Eventually, doing all those things will become real instead of forced. Eventually, I'll get out of this depressive episode and be able to be happy again.

I can't believe I've being that honest about my depression, but there it is. Judge me for it or don't. It's not your cross to bear.

But I would like to end this on a happy note. I don't want to focus on the stress of moving and bubba's health (or mine). I don't want to focus on the dark times. So just remember, as I try to every day, that "most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one's own sunshine."
Ralph Waldo Emerson/

Hello again, dear enemy.

Anyone want to guess what bubba got a hold of today? If you said nutmeg, you'd be correct. He has this obsession lately with taking things out of the garbage and if it's a drink he tries to drink it. I turned my back for half a second at school today, and he grabbed a Coke out of the trashcan that still had a bit in it. And he drank from it.

It was a split second, I took it from him immediately. But he still got some. He then proceeded to break out in hives and started having trouble breathing. I was terrified. I wanted to give him his epipen, but then my brain decided to chime in: you're overreacting. He didn't get any. Those aren't hives, one of his little friends accidentally grabbed him or something. He just had to cough. Then struggle to take a breath. If you give him his epipen, you'll be doing more harm than good. You don't know what that thing will do if this isn't an allergic reaction.

So I left work early, obviously. I put him in his car seat and didn't give him his pacifier so that I could listen to him scream the entire drive, all the while just thinking "thank God I know he's breathing."

At that point, he wasn't having trouble breathing anymore, but he kept grabbing his belly and saying :owie". When we got to the doctor, his belly was still covered in hives, as was his back, but the ones on his face and arms were fading. They gave him some benadryl and said we were okay this time. I didn't take him to the ER because I figured if he was breathing okay then he maybe didn't need the emergency room, but a doctor's visit was still a good idea.

He's okay now, thankfully. This is going to be something I don't ever forget. The sheer terror I felt was incomparable. I just kept thinking "I should've just given him the epipen. I should've called 911. My child is going to die, and it's my fault."

But he's okay. He's breathing and kicking and being crazy. And you can bet that I'm going to fight to keep him that way.