Spawn's First Haircut.

My spawn got his first haircut today. He's always had a ton of hair. Before the cut, when it was wet, it was a quarter of the way down his back. When it was dry, it hung in perfect, tight ringlets that didn't go past the nape of his neck. It was long enough that I could easily, and frequently, put it in a baby man bun. I always told him that I wouldn't cut his hair unless he asked for it. Once he could tell me that he wanted his hair cut, I would get it cut. So today I was joking about needing to cut his bangs again, and he grabbed a fistful of his hair and said "cut?" Then he started signing and saying please and thank you, which is what he knows he has to do if he wants something. I asked to double check, and he really wanted his hair cut. I told him we would do it after school, and he spent the next half hour we were there trying to convince me to leave. He was so excited. I texted his dad and my mom and they were both there. He was pointing to pictures in the salon of kids getting their hair cut and he was just stoked. I pointed to my hair (pixie cut) and asked if he wanted his hair short. And he said yes. So I found a style on Pinterest and went with it. And he was wonderful the whole time. He was playing and laughing with his dad, playing with the curls falling from his head as they were cut off. He didn't even start to fuss, not once. I, however, cried. I didn't want my baby to have his hair cut. I wanted to keep his hair long until at least his second birthday. Longer, if I could get away with it. So I cried. There went all his previous baby curls. His face looks so grown up now. He doesn't look like my tiny baby anymore. He looks like this tiny, wonderful little person that I created, and that I love more than life.

It may sound crazy that I cut his hair when I didn't want to. Most parents wouldn't have. But I told him he could cut it when he could ask. And he asked. I want my son to know that his body and all its parts, hair included, are his to decide what to do with. I wouldn't want someone telling me what to do with my body. I have no right to tell him what to do with his. It's his. He has limits, of course. No tattoos or piercings or weird stuff until he's over 18. But he can decide how he wants to dress and how he wants to wear his hair. Even if it makes his mommy cry.

No one is meaner than me.

No one is meaner to me than myself.

Today, I saw a cute boy. Okay, to be totally honest, it's not the first time I've seen him. I've actually had a crush on him for a while but I was always in a relationship so conversation was kept to a minimum because I like shiny things but I actually wanted my relationship to work. But now I'm single.

Instead of, you know, acting like an adult and striking up a conversation and maybe asking him to dinner or something, I hid. I don't mean figuratively. I mean I literally hid until he wasn't around anymore while obsessively texting my best friend about how much of a loser I am for not talking to him because damn, he is handsome. Being the supportive best friend that she is, she told me I should just go for it.

And instead of even texting her back, I started compiling a mental list of all the reasons he couldn't possibly like me back. Or know I exist.

Things like: my hair isn't long enough for me to be conventionally attractive. I have horrible anxiety and that isn't exactly a secret. I make $10 an hour. I'm a young single mom. I have a big pimple on my chin right now. My glasses are kind of funky. I breathe through my mouth. I have two hairs on my big toes. Shit like that. And then I hid until he left.

Sitting in bed hours later, I'm kicking myself. Why couldn't I have been an adult and held a conversation? But it's also made me realize something. While it's true that society has put certain pressures on women to look certain ways, there are things about me that are unconventional that I didn't even add to the list. Like that I hardly ever shave my legs and I'd been wearing the same yoga pants for two days. We are meaner to ourselves than anyone else will be, including the rest of society. I've decided to change that for myself. Next time I see a cute guy, I'm going to strike up a conversation rather than decide that person couldn't like me because of things I don't like about myself. They'll probably not like me because I'm a loudmouth and I can be bossy and I am having an affair with Netflix. I'm going to be nicer to myself, and I'm going to try to go into things assuming that everyone doesn't already hate me.

Because when it comes down to it, you need to love yourself first. And that's what I'm working on.

I'm back.

The past two weeks have been a special sort of hell for me. I had four anxiety attacks, got dumped, then couldn't really muster up the strength to get out of bed. Then yesterday, I had the actual literal worst day of my life. No break up, break down, or even my miscarriage could compare. I thought I was going to lose my job. That may not seem like a big deal, but to me it is. I love my job. I love the people I work with, I love the children I take care of, and I love what I do.

But then I made a mistake. I'm not going to go into details. No one was hurt. But I upset the parents of one of my babies. When I told them what happened, I really should have phrased it differently. I think that was what caused the most panic. As a parent, I understand completely. My bosses called me into their office yesterday morning and recounted everything. After hearing what I had to say, my boss told me that my job wasn't safe. I had been calm and collected through the entire meeting, but when she said that, I couldn't hold it anymore. The floodgates opened and the tears came freely. I went back to my room and cried, hard. Then I decided to resign, thinking that was what was best for the school. I gathered myself, ready to go do the thing that I absolutely did not want to. I would never see any of those kids again. It's horrible and wonderful being a caregiver because you get so attached to the kids and there's always a time you have to say goodbye. Whether they outgrow your class or move, they take a small piece of you with them. So I was getting ready to walk away from so many kids who all held a  tiny piece of my heart. I marched right into my boss' office and told her I was resigning. She told me to hold off on my resignation and sent me to my lunch. When I got back, my best friend M was coming out of their office. They pulled me in, hugged me, told me that I'm family and I'm not going anywhere. I wanted to break down crying all over again.

Because of my mistake, I did have to leave my babies. Right now I'm upstairs with the big kids, but I'll be back down with some of my babies as soon as my new room opens up when school starts. But because of my mistake, I also realized that I'm in the exact place that I should be. Not only am I in the right career path, I'm at the right place. No matter how much I beat myself up, I know that I love these kids and would never do anything to upset them or their parents on purpose. Accidents happen. Maybe the fact that I work at a religious institution saved me. Maybe it's because they preach forgiveness, and practice what they preach. Or maybe it's because they know as well as I do that I love those kids, and will always be extra vigilant in making sure that I don't ever make a mistake again.

So yesterday was the worst day of my life. But it was also one of the best. It's easy to feel unappreciated and undervalued in my line of work. But yesterday showed me that no one there is unappreciated or undervalued.

Also the older kids are hilarious. Over Christmas break last year, I watched one of the little boys in my class and his older sister one day. It happened to be her birthday. So today she told me that she wanted to have her birthday at my house again. Then she poked my belly and said "fat tummy" because five year olds have no filter. Then later, the middle daughter of one of my fellow teachers was staring at me (she's six) and just blurted out "why are you always so pretty?" which made me want to cry all over again. Because little kids are always honest when just blurting out stuff like that. So that was the best compliment I've ever received in my entire life.