I'm back.

The past two weeks have been a special sort of hell for me. I had four anxiety attacks, got dumped, then couldn't really muster up the strength to get out of bed. Then yesterday, I had the actual literal worst day of my life. No break up, break down, or even my miscarriage could compare. I thought I was going to lose my job. That may not seem like a big deal, but to me it is. I love my job. I love the people I work with, I love the children I take care of, and I love what I do.

But then I made a mistake. I'm not going to go into details. No one was hurt. But I upset the parents of one of my babies. When I told them what happened, I really should have phrased it differently. I think that was what caused the most panic. As a parent, I understand completely. My bosses called me into their office yesterday morning and recounted everything. After hearing what I had to say, my boss told me that my job wasn't safe. I had been calm and collected through the entire meeting, but when she said that, I couldn't hold it anymore. The floodgates opened and the tears came freely. I went back to my room and cried, hard. Then I decided to resign, thinking that was what was best for the school. I gathered myself, ready to go do the thing that I absolutely did not want to. I would never see any of those kids again. It's horrible and wonderful being a caregiver because you get so attached to the kids and there's always a time you have to say goodbye. Whether they outgrow your class or move, they take a small piece of you with them. So I was getting ready to walk away from so many kids who all held a  tiny piece of my heart. I marched right into my boss' office and told her I was resigning. She told me to hold off on my resignation and sent me to my lunch. When I got back, my best friend M was coming out of their office. They pulled me in, hugged me, told me that I'm family and I'm not going anywhere. I wanted to break down crying all over again.

Because of my mistake, I did have to leave my babies. Right now I'm upstairs with the big kids, but I'll be back down with some of my babies as soon as my new room opens up when school starts. But because of my mistake, I also realized that I'm in the exact place that I should be. Not only am I in the right career path, I'm at the right place. No matter how much I beat myself up, I know that I love these kids and would never do anything to upset them or their parents on purpose. Accidents happen. Maybe the fact that I work at a religious institution saved me. Maybe it's because they preach forgiveness, and practice what they preach. Or maybe it's because they know as well as I do that I love those kids, and will always be extra vigilant in making sure that I don't ever make a mistake again.

So yesterday was the worst day of my life. But it was also one of the best. It's easy to feel unappreciated and undervalued in my line of work. But yesterday showed me that no one there is unappreciated or undervalued.

Also the older kids are hilarious. Over Christmas break last year, I watched one of the little boys in my class and his older sister one day. It happened to be her birthday. So today she told me that she wanted to have her birthday at my house again. Then she poked my belly and said "fat tummy" because five year olds have no filter. Then later, the middle daughter of one of my fellow teachers was staring at me (she's six) and just blurted out "why are you always so pretty?" which made me want to cry all over again. Because little kids are always honest when just blurting out stuff like that. So that was the best compliment I've ever received in my entire life.