No one is meaner to me than myself.
Today, I saw a cute boy. Okay, to be totally honest, it's not the first time I've seen him. I've actually had a crush on him for a while but I was always in a relationship so conversation was kept to a minimum because I like shiny things but I actually wanted my relationship to work. But now I'm single.
Instead of, you know, acting like an adult and striking up a conversation and maybe asking him to dinner or something, I hid. I don't mean figuratively. I mean I literally hid until he wasn't around anymore while obsessively texting my best friend about how much of a loser I am for not talking to him because damn, he is handsome. Being the supportive best friend that she is, she told me I should just go for it.
And instead of even texting her back, I started compiling a mental list of all the reasons he couldn't possibly like me back. Or know I exist.
Things like: my hair isn't long enough for me to be conventionally attractive. I have horrible anxiety and that isn't exactly a secret. I make $10 an hour. I'm a young single mom. I have a big pimple on my chin right now. My glasses are kind of funky. I breathe through my mouth. I have two hairs on my big toes. Shit like that. And then I hid until he left.
Sitting in bed hours later, I'm kicking myself. Why couldn't I have been an adult and held a conversation? But it's also made me realize something. While it's true that society has put certain pressures on women to look certain ways, there are things about me that are unconventional that I didn't even add to the list. Like that I hardly ever shave my legs and I'd been wearing the same yoga pants for two days. We are meaner to ourselves than anyone else will be, including the rest of society. I've decided to change that for myself. Next time I see a cute guy, I'm going to strike up a conversation rather than decide that person couldn't like me because of things I don't like about myself. They'll probably not like me because I'm a loudmouth and I can be bossy and I am having an affair with Netflix. I'm going to be nicer to myself, and I'm going to try to go into things assuming that everyone doesn't already hate me.
Because when it comes down to it, you need to love yourself first. And that's what I'm working on.
There is so much to love about you and I'm not just a saying that cause you paid me, I really mean it!
ReplyDeleteYou are so more beautiful than you give yourself credit for my child. ..your smile could light a thousand rooms and your funny. .you can't buy that ...you are such a catch. ..except for that hairy leg thing. .you need to shave that shit, your not french. ..lol. ..love you
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