I Win.

Guys. I did it. I won. I finally - FINALLY - beat my depression.

At least, for the moment.

Time to share a secret! I've been off my meds for a couple months now. Prozac helped me a ton. It helped me realize what my base line for happiness *should* be, so then I just needed to figure out how to get there.

I've been doing a really good job managing my anxiety lately, but I do take Xanax when it gets to be too much. It's usually only once or twice a month, max, that I have to rely on that. Considering that two short years ago I was having anxiety attacks almost every day, I count that in the win column.

But it's always the depression that comes back, and it comes back with a vengeance. I go off my meds because I feel fine, and then I spiral until I hit the bottom of a pit and curl into a ball of weeping shame at the bottom.

Not. This. Time.

See, that could have easily happened today. It almost did. It would have, but I decided not to let it.

I've been having some roadblocks getting my financial aid sorted for school. When it finally showed that my 2015 tax transcripts had been received, I breathed a sigh of relief. And then yesterday I went into the financial aid office just to double check. They said everything was fine and they would email me in about two weeks to let me know what I'm being awarded as far as aid. Hooray! So when I checked for that email today and it showed that my 2015 tax transcripts were still needed, I wasn't sure if I wanted to scream or cry.

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but Normal Hailey is a total psycho when it comes to stuff. I'm a total control freak and I want to have everything planned out to the last possible detail so that I can anticipate everything that's happening. Normal Hailey is the one who decided to take on a 15 credit hour course load first semester, in addition to working full time, being a single mom, running this blog, writing a book, singing a ton, having a social life and having a boyfriend. Had Normal Hailey been around while I was in middle and high school, I would have been a straight A student with a perfect attendance record. I would have graduated valedictorian of my class and gotten a full ride to the Ivy League of my choice. I would have held down a part time job, been involved in extracurricular activities, and probably been in student government.

But Normal Hailey road back seat to my depression for the past 16 years.

Today, after seeing that I needed to turn in more paperwork, I broke down. I started crying at my desk, which is super embarrassing when you're the receptionist and anyone can walk in. I vented to a co-worker. I texted my mom and told her I was going to withdrawn from school because there's no way I can come up with $2065 by August 23rd.

Then the thoughts started. "You were such an idiot to think you could actually do this. You're so pathetic. You know you should have just given bub up for adoption when he was born, so he could have a family that actually knows how to do literally anything. You're nothing. You're never going to be anything. You're so pathetic."

And on and on and on.

And that was when I stopped. I shook my head, shook myself out of it, and decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and actually fucking do something about it. I looked up the number on the SLCC website for the financial aid office, and even though it said that they wouldn't talk to me about anything specific over the phone, I decided not to let that deter me.

I went to my car, and I called. Right off the bat, I apologized to the girl who answered the phone. I explained that I was very frustrated with the situation and was going to try my best not to let my emotions get the best of me. I explained everything to her, how many times I've gone in and been told there wasn't a counselor to see and that there wasn't anything they could do if I didn't have the paperwork. And then I asked what I needed to do and... guys, I was stunned.

"Oh, it looks like we just need a signature on page 2 of your tax transcript. That's all we're missing. You can come in and sign it or bring in your signed copy, or email or fax it to us. Whatever works best. After that, everything will really be in and we'll be able to get your paperwork processed and your aid awarded."

Guys, it was literally that fucking easy. 

I took the paper in after work. That's it. That's all it was.

If I had listened to my depression, I would have withdrawn from my classes and felt like shit. Instead, I won.

I fucking won.