Clearing The Fog

I'm trying to be back, everyone.

I'm gonna try really hard.

I can't make any promises though.


Today, I signed up for my college classes. I spoke with my advisor and she said I need 62 credit hours to complete my AS in Social Work. That includes my generals and course-specific classes before I transfer to a 4 year university to complete my BS (which I'm trying not to laugh at). After that, it's on to grad school for my Master's degree.

Holy shit, guys.

I'm taking 16 credit hours this semester. So many people have told me to lighten my load, start out easy since I've been out of school for 6 years and I've never been in college. Also because I'm working full time and crushing it* at this single mom thing.

(*I am not crushing it. I'm drowning, just like every other mom in the world)

I know myself, though. I know I'm a procrastinator and that I work better under pressure. I *have* to take on a full course load or I won't do it.

I have a lot of balls in the air right now. In addition to going to college, working full time, being a single mom to the best little boy in the world (I'm biased), and trying to stay on top of my house, I'm also doing a bunch of other shit simply because I want to.

I'm trying to get this blog going again. I'm going to start going to my writer's group again, so I can actually get a book written and maybe make some friends along the way. I just auditioned for the Voice (on Snapchat) and will hear about that at the end of September. I also (finally) have a healthy social life.

I have friends, guys.

Some of you may remember that my best friends all ditched me almost two years ago when I opened up about how bad my depression had gotten. I don't have to worry about that any more.

I have a Village now. I'm friends with an amazing couple that I wouldn't have met if it wasn't for my son. Our boys are best friends, and I love their entire family to death.

I'm so much closer with my family, and that includes my "adopted" family, the people I love because I choose to, not because of blood. I actually just threw a pretty huge (30 people) bbq just so we could all be surrounded by people we love, and who love us back.

I'm so much closer with my "cousin", who comes over at least one night a week.

I have a boyfriend now, which is pretty cool. He's been my biggest cheerleader in regards to me going to college, even before we were together.

I have a lot going on, and it can get kind of overwhelming and be a lot to handle. I'm currently working up a color-coded Excel spreadsheet to help me work out how to best manage everything.

The only, ONLY, reason I'm able to do all of this is because I'm medicated. I'm saying this because of the stigma around being medicated for your mental health. Let me make one thing clear.

Admitting you need help does not mean you are weak. It means you are strong enough to realize that something is not right.

I take Prozac, every single day, for my anxiety and depression. Because of that, the fog that I've lived in since I was 8 years old is clearing. My depression and anxiety do not control my every move. As soon as that fog started to clear, I returned to being the little girl who was adamant that she would not stay home from school because she wanted to get her 'perfect attendance' pencil. Y'all, I don't even like pencils.

Being level has made me realize that I'm still that person who was so freaking proud when she got straight As, who was reading to the class in kindergarten and doing college-level math in the 4th grade. I'm still the girl who looked around at the world and realized that life is what I make it, and I want to make it something great.

So this is where I'm starting.