Dear you.

Dear you.

I had a breakdown today. Well, multiple, really. It's the stupidest thing but... I can't listen to the band they played at your funeral. Not just the one song, the entire band. I walked out of a restaurant because that band was on the radio. Then I came home and did something stupid. I looked you up. Of course, you blocked me on Facebook beforehand, so I can't actually look you up. Just anything that others post about you. And I did. And I cried. But did you know that I can't bring myself to visit you? It's been over a year. And I just can't. Because there are so many things that I want to say to you, that I want to scream at you. But I can't. Because you're not here. You're not anywhere. You're just... in the ground. Sitting there. Sure, I've felt your presence a few times, but not in over a year. Is it because I stopped visiting? I'm sure it's not. You have things you'd rather do than watch me struggle through life.

I know you're not completely gone though. See, I still have a knick knack that you gave me for some long-forgotten Christmas. Every once in a while, bubba will wake up in the morning and only want that trinket. He'll laugh and talk to it like he doesn't have a care in the world. So I know you're here. But that doesn't make it easier to face that you're gone.

Did you know I never got a chance to grieve? No, because it was "cheating" on him. I never dealt with your death. So it hits me. Like a fucking freight train. And everything comes crashing down around me.

I forget, sometimes, that you're not here. Someone will remind me of something you did and I'll say "remind me to hit him the next time I see him." But then I'm the one getting hit, with the fact that I won't. Not ever. I don't believe in eternal life.

Do you know how many times I've wished I had a time machine? I wish I could go back and stop you. I wish you hadn't fucking done it. Do you know how many people loved you? Who cry all the time because you're gone? You touched the lives of everyone who knew you and now it's just... gone.

I miss you.