Today has been a weird day. See, I have really horrible anxiety, and last night I had an anxiety attack. After an anxiety attack, I always feel very drained. Emotionless, almost. I woke up this morning and couldn't get out of bed for over an hour. I ended up texting my mom, who was downstairs, to see if she wanted to do anything. I was hoping she'd say no. I just wanted to stay in bed. Instead, she came up and we had a serious talk about my anxiety. Then she reminded me we had things to do for my best friend's baby shower, which is in six days. It was nice to create things. Working with my hands gets me out of my head. I stopped when my son was brought home. The 4th of July was his dad's holiday this year. We went out to dinner. My mom, my baby, and me. Then we went to the park and played hard. I don't think I've been that sweaty since I was a kid. While we were there, I did something just to prove I could. I swung myself on top of the monkey bars. That's when I realized: this is what anxiety is. What depression is. What being a single mom is. Sometimes I'm wonderful. I'm on top of the monkey bars, looking at everything wonderful and beautiful around me. Most of the time, I'm slipping through the bars. I'm trying to keep myself where the beautiful things are, but I don't have the strength. I fall a lot. I find myself on the hard ground, surrounded by dirt. Only seeing the ugly things in life, only seeing the bad. I need to find a way to fall gracefully. It's coming again, the fall. Because today...
I'm on top of the monkey bars. But I'm starting to slip.
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