Birthin a human.

I just realized that I've never done a pregnancy/labor/delivery post so brace yourself bitches.

Pregnancy is horrible. It was exactly 39 weeks of hell and I couldn't wait for it to be over. Except for all of the times I went in to labor early (starting at 21 weeks), then I just wanted my sweet baby to cook a little longer. My morning sickness lasted until I pushed a human out of my body. My feet got so swollen that it literally hurt to walk. I remember hobbling around my office barefoot because my feet were too swollen even for my slippers. And right in the middle of everything, I found myself a single mom, living back at home. I was miserable.

The day I went into labor was pretty great, and my labor was ridiculously easy. I had gone on maternity leave on Monday at my last doctor'sappointment because it's really hard to talk on the phone and try to make sales when you've been in labor for FOUR MONTHS. At least a few times I week I would start having contractions (yes, real ones, not Braxton Hicks. Very different things), they'd get close enough for me to go to the hospital, sometimes they'd give me stuff to stop it, and then I'd be sent on my way. It got very hard to do my job, between the contractions and the vomiting and the peeing constantly, so I took my leave. IT WAS AMAZING. I went to bed early and slept in EVERY DAY. It was my last real time to be just me and not me the mom. So when I went into labor with bub, it was in the comfort of my own home and I didn't have to worry about my water breaking at work. Because it probably would have. My water broke at 9 am on Friday. I was in bed, because it was awesome, and I was switching the side I was laying on because my legs were so very large that if I laid on one side for too long, they would go numb. As I flipped over, I felt a little ~pop~, which I ignored. I tried to go back to sleep but I had to pee, so I got up and went to the bathroom. And that was when the flood gates opened. And I waited. I put on a panty liner, soaked through it in 5 minutes. I put on one of those gigantic pads you use when you come home from the hospital. Soaked through that I'm an hour. That was when I decided to call my mom. I didn't have a car of my own, so I couldn't really get myself to the hospital. I told her what happened and that I was gonna get in the shower and eat and then we could go if she wanted. I felt the most calm I have in my entire life.  Until my mother cane barreling through the door like a bull in a China shop right after I sat down to eat my spaghettios. I sat calmly and ate while she ran around the house like a maniac acting like she knew nothing about birthin no babies. After about five minutes I caved and said we could go, but I'd be pissed if I was hungry. So we get to the hospital and they make me get in the ugly gown with no panties, which is awkward when you have a geyser between your legs. I manage to waddle my pregnant ass over to the hospital bed with my legs closed and get up there so they can check me. By now, this is so routine that I don't even mind that there are about seventy people in the room (okay, slight exaggeration).

Let me back up a little and tell a funny story. I've been in labor and delivery so many times guys. So many med students have seen my vagina. SO MANY. So one night, we go in because I went into labor in WinCo  (must've been all the walking), and we have an awesome nurse. She tells my mom that she has to do a couple different things, like check to see if my water broke (I was 32 weeks pregnant) and stuff, so she asks my mom to hold the little collection thing so she doesn't have to rescrub between different things. My mom says sure and she's sitting there holding the little container while the nice nurse swabs me and goes to put in the sample. And she misses. And hits my mom's hand. Immediately, the nurse jumps up and says "damn it! Not only did I contaminate the sample, I got vagina on your hand!"
We still cry from laughter over that. I brought it up the other day.

Anyway, the nurse goes to check and see how dilated I am and has me lift my hips up. As soon as I do, the aforementioned geyser opens up and amniotic fluid leaks up my entire back. No swabs this time, just a change of sheets. I was dilated to a 4 and my immediate reaction is "I know you can give me an epidural at a 4, so go ahead and hook er up". Except they decide I need to have/feel contractions. Except I've been doing that for FOUR MONTHS AND I DON'T WANNA ANYMORE. So we compromise and they give me some pretty good drugs in my IV along with the pitocin. After they gave me the pitocin, my mom went to get coffee and my aunt Trina decides to prank her and call and say that I'm dilated to a 7 and she needs to come back immediately. We laughed pretty hard, but my mom was not pleased.

I have the lowest tolerance ever for drugs, having never done any in my life. So the nurse says she has to push it in my IV through 2 contractions, and she administers the first dose. My mom says you could see me get high. And then I laugh for 10 minutes straight. I'm nuttier than a fruit cake. I'm laughing so hard the nurse starts laughing and can't administer the next dose until we've all properly calmed down. The drug they gave me was fentanyl, and I'm pretty pissed about it since people use it as a substitute for heroin, but that's in the past so whatever.

Hours tick by pretty slowly and the drugs are wearing off and I'm about to call the nurse for a second dose when she comes in.

"So we have to do a c section..." pause for dramatic effect as everyone in the room starts to freak out a little thinking there's something wrong "...on another patient" room erupts in relieved laughter "so if you want that epidural it's now or never".

I, of course, chose now. I was also terrified of someone sticking a gigantic needle in me, especially since I've heard the numbing shot hurts like hell. Let me tell you, those people are pussies. I barely noticed it, and then I felt nothing and it was wonderful.

I felt two bumps like bub was knocking on the door that was my vagina and then I was dilated to a 10 and I needed to push. After my doctor got there, it was 2 pushes and the tiny human had vacated my body. I don't remember him being handed to me. I don't remember when I started crying. I just remember looking down at this perfect face and sobbing over how beautiful he was and counting all his perfect fingers and toes and then they took him away because he had a fever of 102.7 and I yelled at my mom that if she didn't get me fries now I was gonna murder someone because I was starving to death.

Bub came in to this world wonderfully and fairly uneventfully. I've heard people say that if you can make jokes, you're not in labor. But I was making jokes as I was pushing this beautiful human out of my body. When my doctor came in, I remember thinking that everyone expected me to be scared. So when he asked if I was ready, I pretended to be terrified. But as I looked up at the ceiling as I pushed, I was not afraid. Not of anything. I somehow knew that I could do this, and I was right because now he's almost 3 and he's still alive so I think I'm doing a pretty good job.

Oh, also, my mom held my leg while I pushed then dropped it and I almost fell off the bed, so that was pretty funny. Overall, my labor and delivery was pretty funny.

How was yours?  Tell me in the comments!